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weaker.than

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[08 Jul 2003|01:16pm]
Just in case any of you still read this or give a shit, my new LJ is unbutton.

So add me, and I'll add ya back!!

Later days!
xo
2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[03 Aug 2002|02:41am]
[ mood | amused ]

So there's this big dork that I know that thinks he knows how to play music in this band called Heartriot. Apparently they just toured all over Canada, and 'rocked the place'. They are your typical five-piece pop boy band. Hehe, just kidding...

Well honestly, they are an awesome melodic punk band from CA with a lot of talent. Plus, the lead singer's cute and can write amazing lyrics... oh ya, and he has a hot friend to.

I demand you all to check them out... Heartriot

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[02 Jun 2002|12:32pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Tell me,
do you enjoy the sound of my heart cracking
as you walk upon it
with your indecisiveness?
It has been much too long to rewind once more;
you are not allowed to be part time anymore,
it was always 3/4 you
and 1/4 me -
only
I gave 3/4
and you gave 1/4;
I don't want to be a part of that.
When I look at you I lose myself -
that's what we all tell ourselves
when we are blind and utterly oblivious
to the reality we thrust deep inside our skulls;
You keep striving for reasons you'll never find
and I'll keep waiting for answers you'll never give,
before I waste another tear
you need to figure out what you really want,
but I won't stick around any longer for you to figure out what is best for you.
You left me,
now i'm leaving you - impossible,
I'm sick of this scene,
I realized how incredibly stupid I have become;
Anything less than pure bliss
isn't adequate this time around,
you are deaf to my mind crying out for sanity,
you are numb to my body hurting from useless attempts to dispose of these mindless thoughts,
you are blind to the hands out there to catch you;
catch me
before I slam my head against the broken pavement.
If you knew i wrote this
just for you,
would peer from underneath the blankets
with a different perspective?

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[01 Jun 2002|09:27am]
[ mood | anxious ]

It is rather quite sad how there are some things in life we only get to experience once - no second chances.
.

Do you like the feel of your feet trampling all over my heart?

3 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[26 May 2002|04:08pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I want to boycott grad.
.

You are not allowed to be part time.

3 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[17 May 2002|11:45am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Life needs a pause button.

That's all.

3 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[16 May 2002|10:56pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Expect nothing - That way the let down doens't hurt so much.

5 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[13 May 2002|10:21pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Its sorta funny how someone can always think of something to say when someone is sad and depressed, but when you are ecstatic, nobody ever has the right words to share your emotion.

3 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[07 May 2002|10:25am]
[ mood | bored ]



.this is your world.

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[07 May 2002|09:40am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I despise Shakespeare. Thou shall lick my ass! I hate his big, dumb words. Nobody can even understand what the fuck he is saying in the first place. Some dude from the sixteenth century decided it would be cool to write some depressing tragedy horseshit for these high-tech english teachers to throw in our face and expect us to know what the asshole is talking about. No, we are not less intelligent than those folks from the past, we are just customed to our contemporary society. I completely agree that Shakespeare was a fine man and a wonderful writer in his time - not today.

11 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[06 May 2002|09:40pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

At five years old you don't know fear. You can't know fear until you've heard the terror in your father's drunken voice and seen the rage in his bloodshot eyes. I curled up under the blankets and prayed he wouldn't find me nestled deep down in my haven. I put the pillow over my head, trying to ignore my mother's shrieking screams and the furniture thrusting against the walls. He was a monster, a beast, a nightmare. When the house became silent, I peeked my head from under the blankets. I saw his shadow in the low-lit hallway coming towards my bedroom. I quickly snuck back under the blankets; pressed my knees to my chest as I tightly wrapped my arms around them. I heard the front door swing open and I quickly glanced at the hallway. The shadows on the walls had disappeared. Hesitated, I quietly crawled towards the doorway and snuck my head around the door to see what was happening. The bright blue and red flashing lights coming from outside stung my eyes, but I didn't cry. The cops took my father away. When I woke up the next morning, his usual smiling face was sitting at the breakfast table.

[05 May 2002|01:48am]
[ mood | tired ]

I don't know how I feel anymore, rather how much I feel. I am so content with my life its driving me insane. All the way home, I kept playing all those silly, sad songs - I wanted to see if I could cry. I even played his song. I didn't shed a tear - not a fucking one. I didn't even care that he didn't come to the concert with me after he said he woudl. I think I have forgotten how to feel for real this time. I sat there, twisting the curly ringlets around my fingers, watching the bright stars shining in the sky go by. I didn't want to go home. I just wanted to keep driving down the empty highway forever.

And then I remembered last July when I was driving down that same highway. I felt the same way - only a little less content. I want to hear him say, "I still want you here!" After that, I'll cut myself lose from this ball and chain.

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[02 May 2002|09:20am]
[ mood | amused ]

Opinions are like armpits, everyone has them, and most of them stink. -Unknown

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone... [01 May 2002|10:32pm]
[ mood | scared ]

The days are flying by like the pages of this novel. Even though I hate this place - always have, always will (maybe), I can't put into words how much I will miss it when I am gone for good. It won't be the hole my brother and I put in the wall, or the ditch I rolled my first vehicle in that keep my coming back, but merely the people that have put up with my existence that make me not want to leave. I love them all with all my heart. But, I know it won't stay that way. We will promise to stay close - to be best friends, but we won't. Promises will shatter like the friendships we've made Things change - they have to. We'll quit calling, quit writing - we'll learn to let go. One day we'll wake up and realize its been so long, too long since we heard from each other, but it won't matter anymore because our lives will have changed. We'll have met new people and learnt how to live without one another. It's sad, but true. Maybe we'll miss the nights we stayed up all night lieing in bed talking about our love lives and meandering crushes. Maybe we'll miss the nights we spent getting shitfaced and making complete and utter asses out of ourselves. Maybe we'll miss all of the perpetual charades we drug ourselves through and the drama of our teenage, angst lives. But one thing is for sure - we'll never forget the impact we had on each other lives.
.

I hope someone realizes how much I don't want to leave, don't want to forget, and certainly don't want to let go...

4 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[30 Apr 2002|09:54am]
[ mood | weird ]

I had completly forgot what happiness was. For the past few months I thought I was happy. I mean, don't get my wrong I was happy, just not this kind of happy. It's funny how you think you are feeling something and then when you really feel it, you deny ever feeling like it before. Maybe I am completely oblivious to everything that sucks right now.
.

My life has never been perfect - I don't pretend it ever has been and I am not complaining about the shit I've been through. I completely understand and realize that all the shit I have been through has happend because it was supposed to. I wouldn't change anything about it because everything that has happend changed me in some way - and just maybe I grew up.

Of course, we all know nobody ever really grows up - even when we are 99 years old, we'll never know all the secrets to living a perfect life. The only way to live is to follow your heart - that is how to live a good life.
.

I know I am a dork.

7 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[29 Apr 2002|09:28am]
[ mood | scared ]

Am I ready to deal with this emotional turmoil all over again? I want to, but I only want to if I know I won’t get hurt again. I don’t want to fall crazy head over heels for him if he’ll put my heart through the cheese grater one last time. I know it really doesn't matter how much I know he will hurt me again, because I will inevitbly do it anyway. This is my vulnerability – my biggest flaw indefinitely. I am falling down a dark tunnel – both eyes closed - and I won’t be ready for the crash when I hit the ground with a thud. I am scared to let myself keep feeling because I know how it always ends. Even if we are two completely different people – my feelings are still exactly the same. I used to lie up all night thinking about what would happen when he got home... I thought up every possible situation that could happen. Of course, it never turned out even one of those ways. I wish I was dull amd boring because my mind thinks up these crazy charades that never happen. Maybe someday I’ll realize why I held on for so long. Maybe someday I’ll quit feeling… Maybe someday never comes.

slap me with a splintered ruler

[25 Apr 2002|11:09pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Everything has been so dull lately. Nothing is wrong, but its so absolutely boring. My life is becoming a routine - go to school, go to work, do your homework, go to bed, blah, blah, blah. My weekends are nothing more then meandering escapades to pass the time. Two more months and I'll leave the only place I have ever really known. I should probably be scared or worried or something, but I am none of the above. The only thing I am scared of is actually wanting to come back here. Bleh, even this entry is so fucking mind-numbing I could take a blue, ball point pen and shove it through each one of my eye lids... I need some fucking drama in my life. I better not speak too loudly, I'll get hit by car or something or worse...

7 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

No matter where I go, a part of you will be... [20 Apr 2002|12:59pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Some day you will be walking - alone - down the empty streets watching the people pass. Cars will flutter by and buildings will stand still. You will stop to look through the store window. The curly haired saleswoman peering through the clear glass will pierce your memory like daggers and you will remember how you shattered my heart into peices. You will feel guilty for hurting someone like that and you will be angry at yourself for not falling too deep. You will hate yourself for not allowing yourself to feel. You will regret not taking a chance on us because you were too scared to get hurt. You will wonder where I am and if my heart belongs to someone else.

.

Some day I will be driving down an abandoned highway watching the yellow dotted lines go by. The road signs will be listening to me sing at top of my lungs to the songs on the radio. A two-door white Oldsmobile with a T-roof will pass me by and my tounge will stop singing. I'll stop to think about the curly, red headed boy who ripped my heart out with both bare hands and stomped on it because he was too scared to hurt. I will feel guilty for letting someone effect me the way you did. I will be angry at myself for falling too deep and too hard, and for not letting go sooner. I will wonder where you are and if you had hurt someone else. I will be wondering what went wrong between us and what was wrong with me.

.

Months go by and we will both be walking down the same street - caught up in the atmospere of our new lives. You will stop to say hello and I'll stutter in my words. You tell me about your new job and the good pay. I tell you about my husband and wonderful kids. I will miss you, but I will have moved on from this dicusting charade.

11 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[20 Apr 2002|10:48am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I realize one day he will meet someone else. She'll be perfect and beautiful - everything I want to be. I will hate it; even if she is wonderful, I will despise her living existance. I want to be this girl.

.nothing happens in the end.

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

[17 Apr 2002|10:16pm]
[ mood | Irrational ]

I want to tell him everything I have to say right now. I am being irrational at the moment which means I'd wake up in the morning inevitbaly regretting everything I told him if I did... maybe I am just sick of waiting. I want to tell him I waited six months for him to come home - I don't know why I did, I just did. I want him to know that he means absolutely nothing and everything to me. I want him to know that I don't need him, but if there was anyone I'd want to be with right now, it would be him. And then I remember that someone else, who somehow keeps weaseling his way towards me, and I want to tell him I have this stupid crush on him, and that I want to rip his clothes off right now and fuck his brains out [how poetic] - which obviously means this is only lust, and my feelings for him run no deeper than skin.

2 orgasms| slap me with a splintered ruler

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